Brighteyes Posted March 28, 2008 Report Share Posted March 28, 2008 Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three decide they will wear a leather bodice, stiletto's, and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and a mask. He saw me & said: "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love .... all night long The mistress: "Ah! me too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night." The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?" @ Good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bloodthirst Posted March 28, 2008 Report Share Posted March 28, 2008 An elderly woman shows up for her court date. The judge asks what she is charged with and she says that she stole a can of peaches. The judge asks how many peaches were in the can and she replies that there were six. The judge sentences her to six days in jail for the six peaches. Just then, the lady's husband jumps up and asks if he can say something. The judge says OK. He points his finger and yells "She stole a can of peas too!" @ Hey, I got a I feel special now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Old School Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 This is an old one but I can't resist. " An elderly woman, upon advice from her husband, sought medical attention for her excessive flattulence. As she explained to her doctor, "you can't hear me passing gas, and there is never any smell. For instance, I just passed a little one and nobody knows." As the doctor, with a wrinkled nose issued his client with a prescription, he advised her to take these pills twice a day for two weeks and report back to him. On the followup visit, the lady expressed her displeasure. "Oh my goodness" she said, "the pills you gave made me stink to high heaven." The doctor, with a nod, told her "Well we cleared up the sinus infection effectively, now I'd like to reccomend you to a colleague who can get you fitted with a hearing aid." @ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted March 30, 2008 Report Share Posted March 30, 2008 Paddy was down on his luck. Support for a Temperance League activist around Belfast was sparse. At the Employment Office the enquiry clerk wrote him a letter of introduction to CentreLink in Australia. Grateful, Paddy fronted up to the Branch Office in Adelaide. "Not much going at the moment", said the clerk here. "Tell you what, though, if you don't mind some hard Yakka I'm told there's a vacancy felling trees down at the Mount Gambier Pine Forests". Paddy siezed the offer and in due course was introducing himself to a foreman at one of the Pine plantations. "Yer look fit enough," reflected the foreman, "but like everyone else yer've gotta prove yerself. If yer can cut down 100 trees on your first day we'll put y'se on the payroll. OK?" Paddy agreed. The foreman picked up a wicked looking chainsaw, left the hut and headed down an overgrown fire trail deeper into the forest with Paddy in tow. Arriving at a densely wooded spot, the foreman handed Paddy the chainsaw, cast his hand around in a sweeping gesture, and said: "Here it is, mate. I'll come back at knock-off time to see how yer've gone. Remember ... 100 trees". He retreated up the track to his transportable hut and his sixpack of Fosters. Time passed, shadows lengthened, all was strangely quiet. The foreman headed down the trail again, armed with a clipboard. He emerged into what was now a wide clearing, with assassinated trees lying on the ground in all directions. In the centre sat Paddy atop a freshly cut stump. Stripped to the waist, he was flushed and panting. Coated in a layer of sawdust clinging to his sweat-soaked body he looked like a Lamington. In his lap he cradled the inert chainsaw. The foreman surveyed the carnage. "Not bad!" he approved, "S'pose I'd better count 'em to keep everything fair dinkum ..." He set off with his clipboard: " One ... two ... three ...... (time passed) ....... ninetyseven ... ninetyeight ... ninetynine ........... NINETYNINE? Aww, jeez mate! Yer one short!" Paddy looked crestfallen. The foreman couldn't stand it. "Aww ... bugger it!" he said, "Tell yer wot, I'm feeling generous t'day. Here, take a break. Giv's the chainsaw and I'll cut down that 100th tree meself to make up yer quota so yer in. 'Won't tell anyone if you don't. OK?" he winked. Too exhausted to reply, Paddy just nodded thankfully. The foreman picked up the chainsaw. He pulled mightily on the start-cord and the machine roared to life. RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!! Paddy's startled eyes widened instantly to the size of dinner plates! He clamped his hands over his ears and yelled: "Begorragh! What's THAT noise?!!!" @ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest country girl Posted March 30, 2008 Report Share Posted March 30, 2008 This is not really a joke but too funny not to share, it is supposed to be something that really happened. George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house,' and he said 'no.' Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door an d an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes six pol ice cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' (True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people. @ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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