Joke of the day!

[Guest Monday Blue's]

Like the way you think

 

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

 

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

 

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

 

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

 

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

 

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

 

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

 

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

 

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

 

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

[Guest joe]

Like the way you think

 

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

 

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

 

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

 

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

 

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

 

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

 

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

 

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

 

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

 

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

[Guest Guest]

Like the way you think

 

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

 

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

 

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

 

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

 

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

 

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

 

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

 

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

 

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

 

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

thanks for sharing

[Guest Guest]

LOL thanks for that laugh

[Guest country girl]

That was funny. Anybody else have any good ones? I could use a few laughs today.

[Guest country girl]

Here is my addition to this post, I thought this joke was quite funny....

 

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was

Nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his

Gloves.

 

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

 

"No, I don't," she replied.

 

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank

Of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in

Their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them

Into boxes of the right size."

 

She didn't crack a smile.

 

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

 

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,

She burst out laughing.

 

"What's so funny?" he asked

 

 

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

 

 

 

@

[Guest Guest]

Here is my addition to this post, I thought this joke was quite funny....

 

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was

Nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his

Gloves.

 

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

 

"No, I don't," she replied.

 

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank

Of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in

Their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them

Into boxes of the right size."

 

She didn't crack a smile.

 

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

 

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,

She burst out laughing.

 

"What's so funny?" he asked

 

 

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

 

 

 

@

[Guest Guest]

 

 

Does any one know how Spitzer really got caught......??????????//

 

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Patterson was his lookout......!!!!!

 

 

 

[Guest Guest]

Does any one know how Spitzer really got caught......??????????//

 

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Patterson was his lookout......!!!!!

wow, cold man cold

 

 

@

[Guest country girl]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady

sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I

stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I

have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to

me every morning and then gets up and makes me

pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

 

I said, " Well, then why are you crying?"

 

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and

my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for

half the afternoon."

 

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

 

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal

with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes

love to me until 2:00 a.m. "

 

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be

crying?"

 

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

 

[Daniel Boone]

How do you slow a prostitute down?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put a governor on her.....

[Brighteyes]

A man walked into the lingerie department of Dunnes in Dublin and said to the woman behind the counter,"I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." What type of bra? asked the clerk. "Baptist" said the man. She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant." Ah yes, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian type "Confused the man asked, "What's the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple, the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type "What does that do?" asked the man. She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."

[King Of Swing]

Good one!!!

[Brighteyes]

A woman goes to the post office to stock up on stamps. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 stamps please? The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "God bless us, has it come to that? I'll have 18 Protestants, and 32 Catholics."

[Guest country girl]

A man walked into the lingerie department of Dunnes in Dublin and said to the woman behind the counter,"I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." What type of bra? asked the clerk. "Baptist" said the man. She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant." Ah yes, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian type "Confused the man asked, "What's the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple, the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type "What does that do?" asked the man. She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."

 

Very funny, good joke bright eyes.

 

 

@

[Guest Guest]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

 

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

 

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung every where. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

 

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

 

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

 

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

 

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

 

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

 

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

 

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

 

[Guest Guest]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful women boarding the plane.

 

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

 

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs!!!!!

 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?

 

"Lecturer", she reponded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

 

"Really?" He said. And what kind of myths are there?

 

"Well" She explained, One popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

 

Another popular myth is that Frenchman are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

 

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

 

Suddenly the women became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

 

"Tonto", The man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Guest Guest]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful women boarding the plane.

 

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

 

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs!!!!!

 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?

 

"Lecturer", she reponded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

 

"Really?" He said. And what kind of myths are there?

 

"Well" She explained, One popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

 

Another popular myth is that Frenchman are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

 

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

 

Suddenly the women became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

 

"Tonto", The man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

LOL

 

[Guest Guest]

joke of the day

 

 

ed

[Brighteyes]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful women boarding the plane.

 

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

 

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs!!!!!

 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?

 

"Lecturer", she reponded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

 

"Really?" He said. And what kind of myths are there?

 

"Well" She explained, One popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

 

Another popular myth is that Frenchman are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

 

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

 

Suddenly the women became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

 

"Tonto", The man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

That was great. LOL

[Guy Guestinger]

3 older women were sitting on a park bench. All of a sudden a man in a trench coat walked up to them and flashed them. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady's arm wasn't long enough.

[Guest Mr. Bean]

Stupid Questions

 

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

 

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

 

3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

 

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say

"hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?

 

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

 

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

 

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

 

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries

have a use by date?

 

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a

horrible crisp no one would eat?

 

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

 

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

 

12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

 

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.

 

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

 

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

 

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?

 

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

 

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

 

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

 

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,

you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

 

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

 

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

 

[bloodthirst]

An elderly woman shows up for her court date. The judge asks what she is charged with and she says that she stole a can of peaches. The judge asks how many peaches were in the can and she replies that there were six. The judge sentences her to six days in jail for the six peaches. Just then, the lady's husband jumps up and asks if he can say something. The judge says OK. He points his finger and yells "She stole a can of peas too!"

 

 

@

[Guest country girl]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three decide they

will wear a leather bodice, stiletto's, and a mask over their eyes.

 

After a few days they meet again.....

 

The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and a mask.

He saw me & said: "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love .... all night long

 

The mistress: "Ah! me too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."

 

The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

"Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"

 

 

@

[Guest Guest]

THE JOKE OF THE DAY IS........................BINGHAMTON NEW YORK!