What is making You Depressed?

[Ladybug]

Trying to heal the wounds.

 

At this point, which is wayyy early, I just hope I have it in me to ever want to be with another man. I am really just trying to figure out how to be alone and be ok with it. I loved HIM with my whole being and the betrayal is something that I never want to feel again for as long as I live.

 

I am hoping to someday get past this. I am not bitter, I realize things happen and people give in to temptation, but I also know that it takes a strong person to resist and realize what it is that is most important to them. Is a few nights of fun worth losing yourself and everything and everyone that ever mattered to you? When it comes down to it, I could never take that risk.

 

We had it all, or at least I thought we did and it sure did feel like it. I loved the comfort of knowing HE was in the next room, even if we werent talking. I loved knowing HE was there if I needed HIM. I miss HIM. But its over.

 

Does anyone know if the hurt ever really goes away, or do you just learn to live with it?

I am giving you a virtual hug right now

I was cheated on and betrayed by someone that I thought was my soul mate. I had a broken spirit for a long time. I am a stronger person because of it now!

 

[MCNailGirl]

For me, I'm not really worried about being alone. I'm at peace with it. I admit I miss companionship, being alone for so long is tough, but because I won't settle, I'll enjoy my life with my friends and family. My goal this year has been to get out more, meet new people and have new experiences. I'm doing that for the most part. I even have a nice email friendship with someone on this board. Maybe one of these days we'll get together and have drink, laugh about the craziness of our lives we write about everyday...who knows. I'm open to new friendships and new experiences. I'm happier at this stage of my life than I have ever been. It would be nice to share that with someone...maybe someday.

 

Again, Pink, well put...

[Guest Guest]

While not proud of it I will admit to being like the women the above poster commented about.

 

Eventually though no matter how much you love the man those things you don't care for become more and more glaring in neon in your face so you can't ignore them. They are not light little silly things that you can discuss without hurting his feelings, so you stay silent about them for the most part, however

 

You can't move on, you can't forget and you can't go back because you know it will always be the same.

 

You sure are.

 

You want something to change, but you won't come right out and discuss it, or you dance around it delicately? That's not a defect of his, it's yours.

If you're convinced it will always be the same, guess what? You're right. Nothing ever will change. You need to leave yourself open to the possibility that other people can change if you want anything to be different. More importantly, you need to be open to changing yourself if you want anything to be different.

It's like the old saying "Be the difference you want to see in the world."

[Guest Guest]

You sure are.

 

You want something to change, but you won't come right out and discuss it, or you dance around it delicately? That's not a defect of his, it's yours.

If you're convinced it will always be the same, guess what? You're right. Nothing ever will change. You need to leave yourself open to the possibility that other people can change if you want anything to be different. More importantly, you need to be open to changing yourself if you want anything to be different.

It's like the old saying "Be the difference you want to see in the world."

 

Mister, I don't know WHO you are, but I can't tell you how impressed I am with your insights.

 

If counseling got you to this point of understanding, then clearly, we could all use some.

[Pink]

Mister, I don't know WHO you are, but I can't tell you how impressed I am with your insights.

 

If counseling got you to this point of understanding, then clearly, we could all use some.

 

I think I might want to date him....hehehehehehe...

[Guest Guest]

Mister, I don't know WHO you are, but I can't tell you how impressed I am with your insights.

 

If counseling got you to this point of understanding, then clearly, we could all use some.

 

 

Thank you. I'm registered, but don't always post with my username.

 

Yes, counseling was part of it. The other part was wanting and needing to make changes to be happier, and VERY IMPORTANTLY, being willing to do whatever it took to make those changes.

[first warder]

I think it's just human nature, instinct if you will, to find faults with your mate, and your relationship, to justify getting out of it, and moving on to the next person. It's very hard to fight this primal programming that we all have, and to make a relationship work out. It's also hard when the person you're with is fighting these same things! When it does work out, it's a pretty good time!

[Guest Guest]

Sometimes you just got to stop focusing on what's not there and appreciate what is.

 

 

I was driving around town thinking about this and want to add a little story to illustrate my point.

 

I once had a girlfriend who I loved and wanted to marry, have kids, the whole deal. She told me she loved me and I don't doubt she did.

After a while, though, it became apparent that she was driven to change me. She was consistently on me about what I needed to change, how I needed to do it, and why. At first, I didn't think she was being totally unreasonable, so I changed my behavior to suit her.

However, after making some changes, I noticed she was on me about something different. She would go through these little periods of time when she was happy about her man wanting to please her. The honeymoon never lasted. Sooner or later it was something else.

After a few years, it dawned on me that no matter what I did or how much I changed, it would always be something else, something more. She would never be happy with me just as I am. I learned that she would never be happy with me because she wasn't happy with herself. She was compelled to constantly "fix" me because she couldn't fix herself.....and she had plenty of things to "fix".

I wasn't perfect, nor was she.

She eventually left me a good number of years ago. Through mutual friends, I've heard that she's been through a few other men in the interim. It was always pretty much the same scenario as it was with me. It was the same with the husband she had before I met her. Now she's alone, and I'm not surprised. She's not a bad person, she's just confused about life.

Looking back, I see that I never once asked her to change a single thing about herself for me. I loved her and wanted her just exactly as she was, warts and all. She was not capable of doing the same.

 

The love I gave her wasn't enough. The willingness to please her I gave her wasnt' enough. The unconditional, complete acceptance of her just as she was wasn't enough. I came to see that nothing I ever did would ever be enough.

There are plenty of people in this world just like her. I can't change them and don't try to.

I've decided my life is now much too short to spend my time and energy trying to do the impossible and please these people.

If I ever run across a woman who can accept me for who I am, and is ok with me doing the same, I will hold out my hand to her. If she takes it and wants to accept the love I have to offer, she's mine. If not, that's ok too. If she insists on changing me into something I'm not, I'll be gone.

[Guest Guest]

I am the person that posted prior about being unable to discuss a problem without hurting his feelings so I tried delicately to do so without anything positive coming from it. Since many of you think I handled it wrong and should have come out and told this man what my #1 problem was instead of leaving him. I will ask you how you would have gone about telling someone you love that they have a terrible odor about themselves?

 

I'm not talking about the typical come from the gym smelling of B.O. but an unpleasant odor all of the time that I can not put appropriate words to. Kind of like an old attic smell is the nearet I can come to describing this smell. Its not overly take your breath away offensive but it is certainly a far cry from pleasant and I will admit that at times the odor alone would put a damper on intimacy from my end. I tried delicately telling him about how much I like the smell of a man fresh from the shower i.e. - soap and I even attempted to get him to wear cologne I gave him as a gift. He either would not wear the cologne or would put such a minute amount on you couldn't smell it at all neither made not a bit of difference eventually I gave up.

 

There were other smaller things I did not like and I'm sure could have worked my way to overlooking or eventually discussing more pointedly with him however this was the biggest that I just could not continue to deal with. So like I said previously I simply slipped away until I found myself missing him so badly I could not bear it and went back to him hoping that the odor was gone and things would be better........of course they were not.

 

So tell me how would you have handled this in a better smarter wiser way? How could I have been the difference in this circumstance to get that to change?

[first warder]

I am the person that posted prior about being unable to discuss a problem without hurting his feelings so I tried delicately to do so without anything positive coming from it. Since many of you think I handled it wrong and should have come out and told this man what my #1 problem was instead of leaving him. I will ask you how you would have gone about telling someone you love that they have a terrible odor about themselves?

 

I'm not talking about the typical come from the gym smelling of B.O. but an unpleasant odor all of the time that I can not put appropriate words to. Kind of like an old attic smell is the nearet I can come to describing this smell. Its not overly take your breath away offensive but it is certainly a far cry from pleasant and I will admit that at times the odor alone would put a damper on intimacy from my end. I tried delicately telling him about how much I like the smell of a man fresh from the shower i.e. - soap and I even attempted to get him to wear cologne I gave him as a gift. He either would not wear the cologne or would put such a minute amount on you couldn't smell it at all neither made not a bit of difference eventually I gave up.

 

There were other smaller things I did not like and I'm sure could have worked my way to overlooking or eventually discussing more pointedly with him however this was the biggest that I just could not continue to deal with. So like I said previously I simply slipped away until I found myself missing him so badly I could not bear it and went back to him hoping that the odor was gone and things would be better........of course they were not.

 

So tell me how would you have handled this in a better smarter wiser way? How could I have been the difference in this circumstance to get that to change?

I think at that point you have to give him an ultimatum. Deodorize your stank DELETED or get out of my life! Then things may have been different? Who knows!

[first warder]

To those of you with the hugs and well wishes, again I thank you. My spirit is broken. I just want to feel better and feel like myself again. I cant say that enough. My heart hurts and I just want the pain to go away. If our marriage sucked and was on the rocks I think it would be easier. Up until the day I found out, I knew something wasnt right, but never in a million years did I think the man that I gave my entire soul to, would betray my whole being right down to my core.

 

I am broken.

 

I think you might need a beer.

 

[Guest Guest]

I am the person that posted prior about being unable to discuss a problem without hurting his feelings so I tried delicately to do so without anything positive coming from it. Since many of you think I handled it wrong and should have come out and told this man what my #1 problem was instead of leaving him. I will ask you how you would have gone about telling someone you love that they have a terrible odor about themselves?

 

I'm not talking about the typical come from the gym smelling of B.O. but an unpleasant odor all of the time that I can not put appropriate words to. Kind of like an old attic smell is the nearet I can come to describing this smell. Its not overly take your breath away offensive but it is certainly a far cry from pleasant and I will admit that at times the odor alone would put a damper on intimacy from my end. I tried delicately telling him about how much I like the smell of a man fresh from the shower i.e. - soap and I even attempted to get him to wear cologne I gave him as a gift. He either would not wear the cologne or would put such a minute amount on you couldn't smell it at all neither made not a bit of difference eventually I gave up.

 

There were other smaller things I did not like and I'm sure could have worked my way to overlooking or eventually discussing more pointedly with him however this was the biggest that I just could not continue to deal with. So like I said previously I simply slipped away until I found myself missing him so badly I could not bear it and went back to him hoping that the odor was gone and things would be better........of course they were not.

 

So tell me how would you have handled this in a better smarter wiser way? How could I have been the difference in this circumstance to get that to change?

 

You're just full of little surprises. One after another. Based on how you've "delicately" approached this here while being anonymous, I'm not surprised that it took you a few posts to get around to what the real problem is. It's like you want the problems to go away without having to actually do anything about them.

First of all, let me assure you that no man wants to be offensive smelling to any woman. Giving him a cologne as a "hint" that you don't like something about him is....geez, I'm having problems coming up with the right words. "Ineffective, weak, lame" don't quite cut it.

If you're the one raising a teenaged daughter, how you can you possibly expect us to believe that you can raise a teenager and still not be able to find a way to broach this subject with a man? How would you have handled some other, more serious problems had you stuck with him?

There are times when you have to stop hinting around and just tell some people what's on your mind. This is definately one of them. No one would enjoy being told this, but most people I know would certainly want to know if this is going on. I know I sure would if I were with a woman I cared about.

There could be any number of things going on that could cause an odor other than his body. It could be his workplace. Right now I'm sitting in my office and I know there's an unpleasant odor about the room. It comes from my slovenly boss and he refuses to do anything about it. I also know that odors get into my clothes, and I'm sure the stink from this office goes with me out the door.

It could be his house. If he's not as clean as you are, you could have suggested he do a thorough cleaning of his house because something in it bothers you. You could have even couched it in "something bothers my allergies" wording that he wouldn't have taken personally. Lots of people are allergic to dust, and that's common knowledge. You could have even offered to spend a few hours helping him or taking his curtains to the cleaners.

Of course nothing had changed when you went back. You did nothing to make him aware that a problem even existed.

Thank God I'm not dating anyone. I'd sure not like it if it were you.

[Guest Guest]

To those of you with the hugs and well wishes, again I thank you. My spirit is broken. I just want to feel better and feel like myself again. I cant say that enough. My heart hurts and I just want the pain to go away. If our marriage sucked and was on the rocks I think it would be easier. Up until the day I found out, I knew something wasnt right, but never in a million years did I think the man that I gave my entire soul to, would betray my whole being right down to my core.

 

I am broken.

I think I saw on your profile that you're 47.

I've been there. At 31 and again at 41.

"I just want the pain to go away" is the perfect description. That's all I could think.

The bad news is that it took some time. The good news is that it got better. It didn't get better on my timetable though. Expect that it will take some time. Ask God for help as many times a day as you need to. Ask him to relieve you of this burden. He will, just not right away.

Being betrayed is one of the worst feelings in the world, no doubt. Trust takes time to build and it shatters very quickly. Been there, too.

Try to remind yourself that while he did something very hurtful, you're not going to be his victim. You're only a victim as long as you choose to be. Sounds weird, but it's true.

You're not really broken. Inside, you're still a whole person. You've just been hurt in a profound way. Being broken implies that you've been irreparably damaged, which is also not true.

[BOBBIE]

question? What do you contribute that makes that happen? SometimesWE have to change OUR behaviors and patterns.

I have to agree with moons!

[Guest Guest]

I am the person that posted prior about being unable to discuss a problem without hurting his feelings so I tried delicately to do so without anything positive coming from it. Since many of you think I handled it wrong and should have come out and told this man what my #1 problem was instead of leaving him. I will ask you how you would have gone about telling someone you love that they have a terrible odor about themselves?

 

Kind of like an old attic smell is the nearet I can come to describing this smell. Its not overly take your breath away offensive but it is certainly a far cry from pleasant and I will admit that at times the odor alone would put a damper on intimacy from my end. I tried delicately telling him about how much I like the smell of a man fresh from the shower i.e. - soap and I even attempted to get him to wear cologne I gave him as a gift. He either would not wear the cologne or would put such a minute amount on you couldn't smell it at all neither made not a bit of difference eventually I gave up.

 

So tell me how would you have handled this in a better smarter wiser way? How could I have been the difference in this circumstance to get that to change?

 

I'm stunned that you would choose to leave a man you claimed you loved because he had an odor, and did virtually nothing to let him know you were bothered. I can't get over someone being so shallow.

Telling him you like a freshly showered man means nothing to a man. What woman doesn't? All guys know this. If the odor was that pervasive, a little bit of cologne would have done nothing. You still would have smelled the other unpleasant smells. Odors don't mask each other. They "layer" over each other in a way. Even if you can't consciously identify an odor, your subconscious brain can still detect it. Our sense of smell is very powerful and that part of the brain is right next to the part that does all our emotion processing. Studies show that smell and emotion are very closely connected, and much of it is subconscious.

It could have been the brand of clothes detergent he used. I've read that some chemicals that get put in detergents can have a reaction with different body chemistries, causing unwanted odors that sometimes people are unaware of.

The same thing applies to deodorant. Some people don't react well with certain deodorants. Old attic smell sounds like something other than body odor.

I'm sure he would have gladly taken a shower before meeting with you, if that would make it better. Changing laundry detergent and deodorant I would have done without a second thought.

What astounds me is that you didn't even give him a chance to address the problem. You didn't tell him about it and he didn't refuse to do anything about it, at least not from what you've told us. That doesn't sound like much love to me.

I can think of a few dozen ways to handle this without even taxing my brain. Leaving without telling the person why is not one of them.

[MCNailGirl]

I was driving around town thinking about this and want to add a little story to illustrate my point.

 

I once had a girlfriend who I loved and wanted to marry, have kids, the whole deal. She told me she loved me and I don't doubt she did.

After a while, though, it became apparent that she was driven to change me. She was consistently on me about what I needed to change, how I needed to do it, and why. At first, I didn't think she was being totally unreasonable, so I changed my behavior to suit her.

However, after making some changes, I noticed she was on me about something different. She would go through these little periods of time when she was happy about her man wanting to please her. The honeymoon never lasted. Sooner or later it was something else.

After a few years, it dawned on me that no matter what I did or how much I changed, it would always be something else, something more. She would never be happy with me just as I am. I learned that she would never be happy with me because she wasn't happy with herself. She was compelled to constantly "fix" me because she couldn't fix herself.....and she had plenty of things to "fix".

I wasn't perfect, nor was she.

She eventually left me a good number of years ago. Through mutual friends, I've heard that she's been through a few other men in the interim. It was always pretty much the same scenario as it was with me. It was the same with the husband she had before I met her. Now she's alone, and I'm not surprised. She's not a bad person, she's just confused about life.

Looking back, I see that I never once asked her to change a single thing about herself for me. I loved her and wanted her just exactly as she was, warts and all. She was not capable of doing the same.

 

The love I gave her wasn't enough. The willingness to please her I gave her wasnt' enough. The unconditional, complete acceptance of her just as she was wasn't enough. I came to see that nothing I ever did would ever be enough.

There are plenty of people in this world just like her. I can't change them and don't try to.

I've decided my life is now much too short to spend my time and energy trying to do the impossible and please these people.

If I ever run across a woman who can accept me for who I am, and is ok with me doing the same, I will hold out my hand to her. If she takes it and wants to accept the love I have to offer, she's mine. If not, that's ok too. If she insists on changing me into something I'm not, I'll be gone.

 

That's it!! I am looking for someone who will love me for me...unconditionally. I need physical attraction as well as emotional attraction. I want someone who tells me I am diong things right and that I make a difference in theier life by not making them different...or myself...

 

I have dated men the same as how you described the woman you dated. I don't want to feel like I have to change who I am to have someone love me. I have flaws...we ALL have flaws...but there are ways that people's flaws can complete each other...it shouldn't be about trying to "change" anyone...

[MCNailGirl]

To those of you with the hugs and well wishes, again I thank you. My spirit is broken. I just want to feel better and feel like myself again. I cant say that enough. My heart hurts and I just want the pain to go away. If our marriage sucked and was on the rocks I think it would be easier. Up until the day I found out, I knew something wasnt right, but never in a million years did I think the man that I gave my entire soul to, would betray my whole being right down to my core.

 

I am broken.

 

Unfortunately, I know EXACTLY how you feel, Moons...Trust that it DOES get better...And that you are a beautiful person with much to offer to anyone who is around you. Just rest assure...it DOES get better...

 

[Guest Guest]

Why am I depressed? Oh where to begin.....

 

How can I help but feel depressed, get up in the morning and get dressed. Look out the window through rush hour smog ... smoke and drink the world away 'cause what the politicians say won't answer any of my questions like...

 

Why am I angry? What am I searching for? Is there a better way to live? Why am I hopeless? Have I been waiting too long to strike back against this state of affairs?

[Brian The Senator]

To those of you with the hugs and well wishes, again I thank you. My spirit is broken. I just want to feel better and feel like myself again. I cant say that enough. My heart hurts and I just want the pain to go away. If our marriage sucked and was on the rocks I think it would be easier. Up until the day I found out, I knew something wasnt right, but never in a million years did I think the man that I gave my entire soul to, would betray my whole being right down to my core.

 

I am broken.

Moons, I know the other day you said all this. But it never really showed. You seemed very happy the whole time we were together. I think you just have to surrond yourself with people you make you feel happy and whole.

 

And I agree with a previous poster. You are never really "broken". You may feel it, yes. But again, the key is to spend as much time as you can with people who make you happy. I can't promise you the pain form the betrayal will ever go away. But I think that time does heal the wounds.

[Guest Guest]

I am the person that posted prior about being unable to discuss a problem without hurting his feelings so I tried delicately to do so without anything positive coming from it. Since many of you think I handled it wrong and should have come out and told this man what my #1 problem was instead of leaving him. I will ask you how you would have gone about telling someone you love that they have a terrible odor about themselves?

 

I'm not talking about the typical come from the gym smelling of B.O. but an unpleasant odor all of the time that I can not put appropriate words to. Kind of like an old attic smell is the nearet I can come to describing this smell. Its not overly take your breath away offensive but it is certainly a far cry from pleasant and I will admit that at times the odor alone would put a damper on intimacy from my end. I tried delicately telling him about how much I like the smell of a man fresh from the shower i.e. - soap and I even attempted to get him to wear cologne I gave him as a gift. He either would not wear the cologne or would put such a minute amount on you couldn't smell it at all neither made not a bit of difference eventually I gave up.

 

There were other smaller things I did not like and I'm sure could have worked my way to overlooking or eventually discussing more pointedly with him however this was the biggest that I just could not continue to deal with. So like I said previously I simply slipped away until I found myself missing him so badly I could not bear it and went back to him hoping that the odor was gone and things would be better........of course they were not.

 

So tell me how would you have handled this in a better smarter wiser way? How could I have been the difference in this circumstance to get that to change?

 

You, lady, are hard hard core.

 

[Parlor City Casanova]

First time ever money issues have nothing to due with my depression....this time its a 8 year old confined to bed and a wheelchair (spiral break of the femur). An 8 year old that could never sit still before, seeing him hurting and him being all depressed kinda kills me.....thank god it won't last forever!

[dingbat]

First time ever money issues have nothing to due with my depression....this time its a 8 year old confined to bed and a wheelchair (spiral break of the femur). An 8 year old that could never sit still before, seeing him hurting and him being all depressed kinda kills me.....thank god it won't last forever!

 

 

OH NO!!! Poor kid! I feel for you Mom, it's never easy to see our kids hurt.

I hope he's back on his feet soon.

[Guest Guest]

That's it!! I am looking for someone who will love me for me...unconditionally. I need physical attraction as well as emotional attraction. I want someone who tells me I am diong things right and that I make a difference in theier life by not making them different...or myself...

 

I have dated men the same as how you described the woman you dated. I don't want to feel like I have to change who I am to have someone love me. I have flaws...we ALL have flaws...but there are ways that people's flaws can complete each other...it shouldn't be about trying to "change" anyone...

 

We all are, in a way, looking for someone to love us unconditionally. Many people, I think, are confused about what that means. Judging by some of your previous posts, you seem to have a pretty good handle on it.

I had to go to couples counseling to learn what unconditional love is, what it means to accept someone as they are and not try to change them. It's the ultimate form of flattery, of positive regard. How can you better say to someone "I love you" if not "I love you just as you are, without you having to change anything or do anything to earn my love"?

I've tried my very best to offer that to the women I've dated since I got done with counseling. Most of them are confused by it. They don't understand why I don't badger them to be different, or withhold my affections until they do something to please me. I simply can't play that game anymore. It's like I've been "ruined" in a way.

I also refuse to change who I am to please someone just to keep them around. I will adjust my behavior if I'm being obnoxious or rude. I've never been accused of that, though.

We all need people to "catch us in the act of doing something right" instead of only pointing out our mistakes. Wouldn't it be great to have a partner who would agree to do that with you, if only a few times a day?

"Dinner was great. Thanks."

"Thanks for doing my laundry and putting it away again this week."

"The lawn looks wonderful. Nice job."

You're right. It really isn't about trying to change anyone. Those people who spend all their time trying to change others are the same people who are never happy with anything.

Am I wrong?

[Pink]

No not wrong at all.

[MCNailGirl]

We all are, in a way, looking for someone to love us unconditionally. Many people, I think, are confused about what that means. Judging by some of your previous posts, you seem to have a pretty good handle on it.

I had to go to couples counseling to learn what unconditional love is, what it means to accept someone as they are and not try to change them. It's the ultimate form of flattery, of positive regard. How can you better say to someone "I love you" if not "I love you just as you are, without you having to change anything or do anything to earn my love"?

I've tried my very best to offer that to the women I've dated since I got done with counseling. Most of them are confused by it. They don't understand why I don't badger them to be different, or withhold my affections until they do something to please me. I simply can't play that game anymore. It's like I've been "ruined" in a way.

I also refuse to change who I am to please someone just to keep them around. I will adjust my behavior if I'm being obnoxious or rude. I've never been accused of that, though.

We all need people to "catch us in the act of doing something right" instead of only pointing out our mistakes. Wouldn't it be great to have a partner who would agree to do that with you, if only a few times a day?

"Dinner was great. Thanks."

"Thanks for doing my laundry and putting it away again this week."

"The lawn looks wonderful. Nice job."

You're right. It really isn't about trying to change anyone. Those people who spend all their time trying to change others are the same people who are never happy with anything.

Am I wrong?

 

You are not wrong at all!! You have to love yourself to love others around you...