What is making You Depressed?

[Guest Guest]

So does the lack of a man in my life. I don"t NEED one...I WANT one...

 

I've been without a steady woman in my life for the past 12 years. More than a few have come and gone. I sent a few packing.

I've spent a lot of time lamenting my bad luck with women. Some of them weren't the best choices, and some were good choices.

I've gotten to the point where I'd still like one to share my life with, but I'm not settling for just anyone. I'm not looking for perfection either.

I'm losing faith that I'll ever find one, and I'm starting to feel ok about that. There are worse things, like really bad relationships.

Lately my "choices" have turned out to be women who can't trust men, and they think I'm just another one of those. They don't stick around long enough to figure it out. So I let them go without putting up a big fight about it.

I'm getting to where I dont' trust many women after 30 years of seeing what they, too, are capable of.

 

I have no desire to take them out on dates, romance them, wine and dine them, entertain them, make them laugh, even though I'm still preety good at making them laugh.

It just seems less and less worth the inevitable drama I'll have to endure at some point. Life is so much easier without all of someone else's drama to have to deal with.

My main problem is that I'm a lover and most of the women I've been with are fighters. Not fisticuffs fights, but screaming, cold, silent treatment fights, "getting even with you" fights, and all those various fights that people do.

Life's too short to spend it fighting over ANYTHING. I don't have another 50 years left and I don't want to squander it away.

If I met someone who could convince me she's not all about the drama, and just wants to meet me halfway and enjoy our time together as much as is possible, I'd be interested. Anything else, I'm not in for.

[Guest Guest]

I truely believe that...That's why I don't just settle...

 

I waited, too, thinking the good things would come, and they never came. The women got worse as they got older.

 

 

@

[Guest Guest]

question? What do you contribute that makes that happen? SometimesWE have to change OUR behaviors and patterns.

 

I'll tell you what I did. I went to counseling. I learned how to respect and listen to women, especially when they're talking to me about what's important to them and their feelings. I learned how to not shut them out, like many men do. I also learned how to fight fair, how to focus on the main problem and not get into name calling and other personal verbal attacks. I learned how to control my half of the escalation of arguments into fights. Arguing can solve problems. Fighting never does.

 

I learned how to soften up that hard Macho side of me that didn't want to be close and emotionally open to a woman. I learned how to not act like an angry jerk to push her away from me.

 

I spent a lot of time, money and energy over a number of years learning how to participate in a healthy, adult relationship and how to deal with problems when they arose so that we wouldn't have to continually recycle the same problems over and over. I learned how to let go of a problem once it was resolved. I learned how to enjoy a woman's company without having to control or manipulate her for my insecurities.

 

It was a lot and I've even left some of what I learned out.

 

My motivation for going to counseling was that my marriage was not working, and I knew that I needed to change. So I sought out help and made a lot of changes. The damage was done in the marriage and it did not last.

 

I can't find a single woman who wants to do any of the things I've mentioned above.

[Guest Guest]

I think that if more people put that kind of effort into making their relationships work there would hardly be any divorces. People tend to walk away instead of towards the problem and face it head on. I give you alot of credit for taking the steps to better yourself.

Thanks for your comments.

I agree. People tend to think that the other person is the faulty one, and all it takes is a change of partners. However, the new partners often have the same or MORE baggage than the previous one. The pattern starts anew.

 

I could see that I was in a pattern that would leave me alone and angry for the rest of my life and decided to change me.

 

Now that I've changed, I'm just alone. Not angry.

 

Yes, walking away from the relationship means they are walking away from their own internal demons and problems. Facing those demons was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm still not done, but I got a good chunk of it done in 5 years.

 

I've just been waiting for God to show me what it is I'm supposed to do next, and I haven't gotten anything for about a decade.

[MCNailGirl]

Thanks for your comments.

I agree. People tend to think that the other person is the faulty one, and all it takes is a change of partners. However, the new partners often have the same or MORE baggage than the previous one. The pattern starts anew.

 

I could see that I was in a pattern that would leave me alone and angry for the rest of my life and decided to change me.

 

Now that I've changed, I'm just alone. Not angry.

 

Yes, walking away from the relationship means they are walking away from their own internal demons and problems. Facing those demons was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm still not done, but I got a good chunk of it done in 5 years.

 

I've just been waiting for God to show me what it is I'm supposed to do next, and I haven't gotten anything for about a decade.

 

I, too, give you a lot of credit for wanting to better yourself. I hope you won't give up on waiting for the right one...As Moons said: Good things come to those who wait. And I also believe that patience is a virtue. Someone also said that God only gives up what he believes we can handle...Maybe He just has different plans for you at the moment...Just hang in there...

 

 

@

[Pink]

I'll tell you what I did. I went to counseling. I learned how to respect and listen to women, especially when they're talking to me about what's important to them and their feelings. I learned how to not shut them out, like many men do. I also learned how to fight fair, how to focus on the main problem and not get into name calling and other personal verbal attacks. I learned how to control my half of the escalation of arguments into fights. Arguing can solve problems. Fighting never does.

 

I learned how to soften up that hard Macho side of me that didn't want to be close and emotionally open to a woman. I learned how to not act like an angry jerk to push her away from me.

 

I spent a lot of time, money and energy over a number of years learning how to participate in a healthy, adult relationship and how to deal with problems when they arose so that we wouldn't have to continually recycle the same problems over and over. I learned how to let go of a problem once it was resolved. I learned how to enjoy a woman's company without having to control or manipulate her for my insecurities.

 

It was a lot and I've even left some of what I learned out.

 

My motivation for going to counseling was that my marriage was not working, and I knew that I needed to change. So I sought out help and made a lot of changes. The damage was done in the marriage and it did not last.

 

I can't find a single woman who wants to do any of the things I've mentioned above.

 

I must say you give me hope that there are men out there like you. It's really not all that complicated. I don't understand why more people don't get this concept. Be kind and respectful to others, trust unless you are given a reason not to, stay in the present, let the past go, be your own person, don't expect another person to make you complete. People laugh at me but it really is about the golden rule.

[MCNailGirl]

I must say you give me hope that there are men out there like you. It's really not all that complicated. I don't understand why more people don't get this concept. Be kind and respectful to others, trust unless you are given a reason not to, stay in the present, let the past go, be your own person, don't expect another person to make you complete. People laugh at me but it really is about the golden rule.

 

Very well said, Pink! Why would anyone laugh at that? It's not rocket science. Treat others as you want to be treated...Is that so hard?? It seems like that's unsurmountable for some people, but I believe I will meet the right one when there is an effort to find on both parts. Love doesn't just walk up and bite you in the nose, and you don't have to advertise all over the bar scenes when looking for someone. I am finding that just by getting involved in healthy activities, I am meeting more and more people...And it's as simple as going to a local football game or going to church or getting involved with community things like a public supper. I haven't met a man yet, but at least I've started networking...And I don't feel nearly as lonely...

[Guest Guest]

I find it odd that this thread both depresses me AND makes me hopeful.

[Guest Guest]

I, too, give you a lot of credit for wanting to better yourself. I hope you won't give up on waiting for the right one...As Moons said: Good things come to those who wait. And I also believe that patience is a virtue. Someone also said that God only gives up what he believes we can handle...Maybe He just has different plans for you at the moment...Just hang in there...

 

 

I have given up. I'm older than you, and tired of the games. The first thing out of most womens' mouths is "I don't want to play games" but that's what many of them do best, it's all many of them know how to do.

 

Here's one very common one: I've never had a problem having to "chase" a woman. I know it's part of how it works. I put forth the effort to let her know I'm interested. I call her, invite her out. I pay for dinner. That's fine.

A few months later, we decide we want to be exclusive. Right about the same time we get more physically intimate and fully sexual. Great. Everything is going wonderfully.

Then, she decides there's something seriously wrong and starts to have strong second thoughts. She backs out. Ends it, out of the blue. No warning, nothing. Often no real reason is even offered, or it's something very weak and transparently foolish.

I spend some time trying to figure out what I did wrong. Sooner or later, it dawns on me that I did nothing wrong. She has insecurities and doubts about herself that I can't fix. I move on.

 

Suddenly, she shows up again. She tells me she was wrong to end it, that blah blah blah was going on.....excuse, excuse, excuse. Can I see my way to giving her another chance? she asks. She's sorry.....blah blah.

 

I decide that anyone can make mistakes, have a bad month or two or just confuse their priorities from time to time.

 

Again, we're back to being exclusive, intimate, etc.

A few months later..........BINGO..........she's out again. Another lame excuse.

 

And sure enough, a few months later, she shows up again.

 

Finally it dawns on me that she just wants to be perpetually chased. She's stuck in high school mode, when boys start to chase girls, and it's all very thrilling. She's never gotten past that adrenaline rush of being wanted really, really bad and being chased around the school hallways.

 

I've dated three women like this in the past 10 years. To my knowledge, not one of them is currently in a committed relationship with a man.

 

 

 

Boooooooooooooooring.

[Guest Guest]

I must say you give me hope that there are men out there like you.

 

 

There are, but there aren't many.

[Dolphin Girl]

I'm not as depressed as yesterday because he finally turned the heat on

[MCNailGirl]

I have given up. I'm older than you, and tired of the games. The first thing out of most womens' mouths is "I don't want to play games" but that's what many of them do best, it's all many of them know how to do.

 

Here's one very common one: I've never had a problem having to "chase" a woman. I know it's part of how it works. I put forth the effort to let her know I'm interested. I call her, invite her out. I pay for dinner. That's fine.

A few months later, we decide we want to be exclusive. Right about the same time we get more physically intimate and fully sexual. Great. Everything is going wonderfully.

Then, she decides there's something seriously wrong and starts to have strong second thoughts. She backs out. Ends it, out of the blue. No warning, nothing. Often no real reason is even offered, or it's something very weak and transparently foolish.

I spend some time trying to figure out what I did wrong. Sooner or later, it dawns on me that I did nothing wrong. She has insecurities and doubts about herself that I can't fix. I move on.

 

Suddenly, she shows up again. She tells me she was wrong to end it, that blah blah blah was going on.....excuse, excuse, excuse. Can I see my way to giving her another chance? she asks. She's sorry.....blah blah.

 

I decide that anyone can make mistakes, have a bad month or two or just confuse their priorities from time to time.

 

Again, we're back to being exclusive, intimate, etc.

A few months later..........BINGO..........she's out again. Another lame excuse.

 

And sure enough, a few months later, she shows up again.

 

Finally it dawns on me that she just wants to be perpetually chased. She's stuck in high school mode, when boys start to chase girls, and it's all very thrilling. She's never gotten past that adrenaline rush of being wanted really, really bad and being chased around the school hallways.

 

I've dated three women like this in the past 10 years. To my knowledge, not one of them is currently in a committed relationship with a man.

 

 

 

Boooooooooooooooring.

 

I don't think it's an age thing...or just a woman thing. That sounds strangely familiar as to how MY dating has been.

Just out of curiosity...what is your age?? How old are the women you've dated?

I agree that women like the chase...but for me it's about effort on BOTH parts. When I give a relationship my all, I guess I expect the other person to give it their all, too...and that just doesn't seem to happen, then POOF...their gone!! I find that completely depressing...

 

[Guest Guest]

I don't think it's an age thing...or just a woman thing. That sounds strangely familiar as to how MY dating has been.

Just out of curiosity...what is your age?? How old are the women you've dated?

I agree that women like the chase...but for me it's about effort on BOTH parts. When I give a relationship my all, I guess I expect the other person to give it their all, too...and that just doesn't seem to happen, then POOF...their gone!! I find that completely depressing...

 

I'm not saying I think it's just a woman thing. I date women, so that's all I know.

It may not be just an age thing, either, but I can tell you that as I've grown older, the women have, generally speaking, gotten flakier, more insecure, and less able to commit. They all talk a good game ("I know exactly what I want"), but don't really know what they want, and don't recognize it until after they've tossed it aside. Even then, they're still not sure. Most of the ones I've dated are very confused, and none of those have any awareness of how confused they really are. The women I've dated have been as much as 10 years older and 15 years younger than I am.

[Dolphin Girl]

I'm not saying I think it's just a woman thing. I date women, so that's all I know.

It may not be just an age thing, either, but I can tell you that as I've grown older, the women have, generally speaking, gotten flakier, more insecure, and less able to commit. They all talk a good game ("I know exactly what I want"), but don't really know what they want, and don't recognize it until after they've tossed it aside. Even then, they're still not sure. Most of the ones I've dated are very confused, and none of those have any awareness of how confused they really are. The women I've dated have been as much as 10 years older and 15 years younger than I am.

 

 

It's been a while since I've been on the "dating scene" but I think if I were shoved into it again, I would be scared. Maybe the women that are older and more experienced have just been burned and are afraid of getting burned again.

[Navin R Johnson]

I know there are times when everyone gets depressed about something. People handle stress and tension of day to day life differently and some let the negative things turn them into someone they are not. It's easy to let the bad times get at you and eat away at your soul. I will always be grateful for what I have. We get to wake up everyday and see the amazing world around us. We get to see tall and mighty trees change from barren brown to green and then to different colors and watch the leaves fall like rain. When was the last time you jumped in a pile of leaves? We get to see the beauty of a snowfall as it takes those bare trees and covers them with white. Is there anything better than the stillness of the world that is covered in snow? When was the last time you had a snowball fight or went sled riding? We get to see children playing and laughing with the sense of true innocence. When was the last time you went down a slide or rode a swing? Life is an amazing gift, no matter how bad you think it is. We get to see all that this world has to offer us. We are alive and here to make this place better. We are here to see all the beauty that we all have to give each other. With things like that, it is easy to put things in perspective and realize how lucky we are to be here. Life is what you make it. Do you want to live your life seeing only the bad things, or do you want to jump in the leaves?

[Guest Guest]

Maybe the women that are older and more experienced have just been burned and are afraid of getting burned again.

 

That is obvious. Some of them have been in bad marriages with jerks, and some of them have gotten raw deals.

Here's the part they don't get:

It's the same for some of us men. We, too, have gotten the shaft, been burned, been cheated on, been screwed out of money. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is so much easier just to always blame the man when things go bad?

[Pink]

That is obvious. Some of them have been in bad marriages with jerks, and some of them have gotten raw deals.

Here's the part they don't get:

It's the same for some of us men. We, too, have gotten the shaft, been burned, been cheated on, been screwed out of money. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is so much easier just to always blame the man when things go bad?

 

It's sad actually. Women blame men, men blame women. It'a blanket blame. Too many people forget that they need to take each person they meet as an individual. It angers me when women act the way you are speaking about because there is no reason. I think they are being very childish. I also think men who act this way are the same. And there are also people out there that thrive on drama. Personally, drama takes too much energy. I'd rather spend my energy on positive things. It makes life easier and happier.

[Dolphin Girl]

That is obvious. Some of them have been in bad marriages with jerks, and some of them have gotten raw deals.

Here's the part they don't get:

It's the same for some of us men. We, too, have gotten the shaft, been burned, been cheated on, been screwed out of money. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is so much easier just to always blame the man when things go bad?

 

This is why I'm glad I'm in a relationship. 7 years, there have been some struggles, like every relationship has, but you work through them. I actually get sick of hearing "men suck" or "women suck". It's on an individual basis.

[Guest Guest]

It's sad actually. Women blame men, men blame women. It'a blanket blame. Too many people forget that they need to take each person they meet as an individual. It angers me when women act the way you are speaking about because there is no reason. I think they are being very childish. I also think men who act this way are the same. And there are also people out there that thrive on drama. Personally, drama takes too much energy. I'd rather spend my energy on positive things. It makes life easier and happier.

 

 

Bingo. You said the Word.

 

Drama.

 

You know, when I was in my 20's and 30's, I played the Drama Game. I was an active participant. I created it, relished in it, reciprocated it, loved it. Stir the waters, keep everyone on their toes, on edge, keep 'em wondering what today was going to bring. Never a dull moment. The women I was with loved it, too. Oh sure they complained about it, but they wouldn't have had it any other way. If they truly didn't want all that drama, they would have gone and found some other man who didn't create it all.

 

Then a funny thing happened. I grew up. I realized that creating Drama for it's own sake would wear me to a frazzle in a short time. It also got boring. I simply outgrew it. I yearned for something more mature, more sane, more stable. I figured out or learned what I had to do to make my end of it more sane.

I used to get compliments from women about safe, comfortable and peaceful they felt with me. At least, at first. Once they got used to that, they started feeling "something missing".

They would start up their old drama habits. I'd play along for awhile, until I realized what was going on. Shortly thereafter, I would simply refuse to play along, thinking that I would have to show them with my actions a better, more mature way to conduct a relationship. Once they realized I wasn't going to play, they would find a few things to blame me for and be gone.

I find it interesting that all of them always came back around sooner or later. It's like they had a moment of clarity in which they realized that I was different and that I could offer them a life of sanity and peace.

 

Yes, now that I'm no longer a younger man, I've realized how much harder a life full of self created drama is. It's very stressful and detracts from not only a good general quality of life, but I'm sure it adds to a shorter life span as well.

I'm at a point at which I now fully realize that I'm not going to live forever, I have one shot at this, and it's 100% up to me to make it as good as I can. Happiness is an inside job.

I refuse to be with someone who doesn't see life the same way just for the sake of not being alone. If that means I'll spend the rest of my time alone, I'm ok with that today.

 

 

@

[Guest Guest]

While not proud of it I will admit to being like the women the above poster commented about.

 

You see I was, still am, and probably always will be in love with a man that I simply can't find my way to "settle" with no matter how much my heart holds for him.

 

You see in the beginning as in every new relationship everything was great, you see and feel everything through a rose colored fog and you overlook things you don't particularly care for. Eventually though no matter how much you love the man those things you don't care for become more and more glaring in neon in your face so you can't ignore them. They are not light little silly things that you can discuss without hurting his feelings, so you stay silent about them for the most part, however even when you have tried to delicately mention these things that bother you, you are given weak excuses in response. So you feel defeat inside yourself and slowly drift away, hurting yourself in the process and hoping to be able to move on and forget.

 

No matter how much time passes a few weeks, a few months sometimes more than that you find you still can't forget and you can't stop loving him. You fool yourself, ignore what your head is saying to you, only listen to what your heart is saying and return again to the man you love. Hoping against hope that perhaps THIS TIME the things that bothered you won't bother you so much, you hope they aren't such a big deal and you can ignore them, that THIS TIME will be better. Sadly that's not the case after re-uniting you find that the previous matters that bothered you have not changed no matter how hard you try to overlook them so again you drift away for the very reasons as mentioned above. It's a horrible feeling to be trapped by your own heart, but that's exactly what it is. You can't move on, you can't forget and you can't go back because you know it will always be the same.

 

Its not a matter of wanting to be "chased" my god I'm far past those high school days and it certainly isnt a matter of wanting drama I have enough of that with my teenage daughter to last me a life time! However I am also not a woman that doesn't know what I want. I most definitely do know what I want. I'm not looking for some pie in the sky unrealistic relationship, not at all but rather a NORMAL loving fulfilling relationship. I don't feel as though its wrong not to settle for less than that.

[Pink]

For me, I'm not really worried about being alone. I'm at peace with it. I admit I miss companionship, being alone for so long is tough, but because I won't settle, I'll enjoy my life with my friends and family. My goal this year has been to get out more, meet new people and have new experiences. I'm doing that for the most part. I even have a nice email friendship with someone on this board. Maybe one of these days we'll get together and have drink, laugh about the craziness of our lives we write about everyday...who knows. I'm open to new friendships and new experiences. I'm happier at this stage of my life than I have ever been. It would be nice to share that with someone...maybe someday.

[Guest Just Lookin]

Trying to heal the wounds.

 

At this point, which is wayyy early, I just hope I have it in me to ever want to be with another man. I am really just trying to figure out how to be alone and be ok with it. I loved HIM with my whole being and the betrayal is something that I never want to feel again for as long as I live.

 

I am hoping to someday get past this. I am not bitter, I realize things happen and people give in to temptation, but I also know that it takes a strong person to resist and realize what it is that is most important to them. Is a few nights of fun worth losing yourself and everything and everyone that ever mattered to you? When it comes down to it, I could never take that risk.

 

We had it all, or at least I thought we did and it sure did feel like it. I loved the comfort of knowing HE was in the next room, even if we werent talking. I loved knowing HE was there if I needed HIM. I miss HIM. But its over.

 

Does anyone know if the hurt ever really goes away, or do you just learn to live with it?

 

Moons, I feel bad for you. I can tell you that over time while the pain and longing doesn't completely go away (I don't think it ever does), it does fade and it does get easier. Its getting to that point thats the toughest. I know where you are.....Every damn song you hear is a love song or one that reminds you of him, every car you pass looks like one he drives, every stupid thing out there reminds you. I know its tough to turn the thoughts and memories off at least while you get over him, but as long as you work at it, you can do it!

 

 

 

[Guest Guest]

Does anyone know if the hurt ever really goes away, or do you just learn to live with it?

 

I won't tell you that it ever goes away.

It does dissipate with time.

[Guest Guest]

Eventually though no matter how much you love the man those things you don't care for become more and more glaring in neon in your face so you can't ignore them. They are not light little silly things that you can discuss without hurting his feelings, so you stay silent about them for the most part, however even when you have tried to delicately mention these things that bother you, you are given weak excuses in response. So you feel defeat inside yourself and slowly drift away, hurting yourself in the process and hoping to be able to move on and forget.

 

Hoping against hope that perhaps THIS TIME the things that bothered you won't bother you so much, you hope they aren't such a big deal and you can ignore them, that THIS TIME will be better. Sadly that's not the case after re-uniting you find that the previous matters that bothered you have not changed no matter how hard you try to overlook them so again you drift away for the very reasons as mentioned above. It's a horrible feeling to be trapped by your own heart, but that's exactly what it is. You can't move on, you can't forget and you can't go back because you know it will always be the same.

 

Its not a matter of wanting to be "chased" my god I'm far past those high school days and it certainly isnt a matter of wanting drama I have enough of that with my teenage daughter to last me a life time! However I am also not a woman that doesn't know what I want. I most definitely do know what I want. I'm not looking for some pie in the sky unrealistic relationship, not at all but rather a NORMAL loving fulfilling relationship. I don't feel as though its wrong not to settle for less than that.

 

You learn to accept what you don't like along with what you do. There are certainly things about you that he didn't like. Maybe he was just mature enough to realize that "that's life."

Sometimes you just got to stop focusing on what's not there and appreciate what is.

You're not trapped by anything other than your refusal to accept life on life's terms.

Normal is exactly this--people are who they are. They all have faults and strengths, just as you do. Some have more faults than others. You find someone who can love you in a way that means something to you. Part of being adult is finding a way to not sweat the small stuff, and most of it is small stuff.

I think you do know what you want, but, like many women I've met, what you want is just not realistic.

 

[Pink]

Does anyone know if the hurt ever really goes away, or do you just learn to live with it?

 

 

It gets easier, time is a wonderful healer because it give you perspective.